Thursday, April 09, 2015

The Saddest Festival on Earth: Budapest's Unfresh Fish Festival.

"Why so sad, beef? Because carp meat is back!"

There are certain foods that Hungary does very well. Bacon, for instance, or anything that comes off a pig, for that matter. Sour cabbage is a major food group. They do amazing things with poppy seeds -  Hungary is a paradise for anybody who desperately wants to fail a urine test. But there is one area that is, arguably,  not the Magyar culinary strong point. Fish. Hungarians are not big fish eaters. Hungary has never had a sea coast (OK... it controlled a bit of one once but that didn't make them fish eaters - it made the Istrians fish eaters.) Maybe Hungarians were big fish fans back in the old Uralic days when they spoke something close to Mansi and called three fish “holom hol” but then they discovered pig protein and became Invincible Masters of Pork and once they got their hands on paprika they have never looked back. 


Those lemon slices should help dissolve the bones.
Hungarians are big on fish enjoyment, true, but the main source of fish here is carp, usually eaten at home on Christmas Eve. Nothing wrong with that… if you eat carp. In fact, most Hungarians find the flavor of salt water fish strange and oddly dry and prefer the fresh water standards that they can get from the Danube and the lakes of Pannonia. 


But the downside is that most people don’t cook fish more than once a year, and that recipe consists of boiling a carp into oblivion in enough paprika to mask the fact that the sludge in your soup bowl is, in fact, a boiled carp. Now, I would not normally use this space to … ahem… carp about bad food, but we went to an event billed as the “Hungarian Fish Festival” in February at the Budapest city park. We went hungry, eager to see if the trout farms and EU supported aquaculture industry would be out there to tempt us with their best, freshest product. Not a chance. It was a nightmare of bad food, poorly prepared, showcasing the worst of a cuisine gasping for respectability in an area it has no experience with. Sure, you can argue "try it, you might like it" but some foods have traditions built into them, and you don't stray. New England clam chowder anybody? With "mussels and crab and smoked salmon"?

Boston clam chowder with mussels, crab and "extra salmon"?
Hungary has been going through a “foodie” craze of late, with TV shows aping all the latest western celebrity chef shows and a booming growth in “street food” yards, because, you know... street food. Ersatz burger, taco, and pho joints opening up offering unrecognizable gleet that would never inspire nostalgia in a Jersey burger craver, a Mexican on a pulque binge, or a Viet hungry for soup. Fine. If it will feed the tourists and drunks it can survive. 

Fish kolbasz! The flavor treat of the future! 
But the Fish festival was a promotional effort for a fish cuisine that just… isn’t. One trend in the Hungarian foodie circuit these days is to produce “traditional” foods that were often invented last week. There are the "Hungarian pizza" stands. There is the "lepeny" stands offering "Hungarian burritos. These are just sad. Hungary has a lot of old style foods that are or were sold at fairs and markets for on the go eating. Langos. Sausage. Fried fish. We know this because… ahem… some of us are not tourists and perhaps we actually like traditional Hungarian dishes. 

Balaton fish and sour cabbage... 
“Fish cabbage” is one such case: a paprika-laced sour cabbage dish – sort of a Frankenstein version of the original recipe made with pork as “Székely kaposzta” – but using carp in place of meat. I have lots of Hungarian cookbooks, including a cookbook of recipes from one of Hungary’s poorest regions, the Nyirség in the northeast, which includes recipes for survival foods like stewed minnows and crow stew. Not a single mention of “fish cabbage” in it. And it says "Balaton fish cabbage"... as if anybody living near lake Balaton would choose to make this into a winter cabbage dish instead of the usual dishes prepared in the main Transdanubian source of fresh fish. There is no heritage like fake heritage! Herman Ottó was a Hungarian naturalist – and one of my favorite writers in the Hungarian language – who wrote reams about fish and fishing in Hungarian folk culture in the last century… and he never mentions any fish dish using cabbage. But wait.. it gets worse… much worse. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the carp sausage. 

Carp carp carp carp... and carp. 
This is the culinary equivalent of genocide, an act so unacceptable as to be an outrage against the idea of eating as a means of life. Basically, it is a carp – a soft fleshed, fatty fish with armor scales and a habit of eating the eggs of any other fish it finds and noted for its multiple rows of small floating Y-shaped bones that defy filleting – ground into a paste and mixed with paprika and stuffed into a natural sausage casing. So, yes, it looks like a sausage. But it is carp. Vendors were selling these everywhere. No, I did not try one. And I truly doubt that any of the vendors dared to either.  What is interesting is that until this year, I had never seen one of these sausage chimeras for sale anywhere. And my guess is that after this year I will never see one again. Carp in a tube. Think about that. This is one we saw abandoned at a picnic table after its purchaser suffered through one single agonizing bite. 


This is, perhaps, the saddest food picture I have ever taken. We were visiting on a Sunday afternoon, which meant that a lot of the fish was being sold at reduced prices… but that is to say it wasn't exactly the freshest of fish. I really wanted to try something, I actually skipped lunch to save my appetite for the festival… but I simply could not. I watched one “chef” prepare the catfish stew – which is a favorite of both my Mother and I - big chunks of giant wels catfish in a paprikás sauce served over cheesy noodles. If I see this in a restaurant I almost always order it. However... today it was an unattractive primordial mess.

Harcsapaprikás of my nightmarish dreams.
The Chef-like Guy working the Festival franchise booth dumped a tray of pre-cooked catfish chunks in a rustic looking pan, opened up a five gallon jug of orange-ish sauce and dumped that on top, stirred it around to take the chill out of it, and presto: instant culinary heritage! No, I simply could not make myself order a plate. This was food served on an industrial scale, with no love at all - food to milk the tourist forint. This is not food I would want to eat. The fried fish? Nope. Most of the fish looked so dull – eyed and dried out it could have been five or six days old. I'm a sport fisherman. I cook a lot of fish. I was raised next to the Atlantic ocean, and Fumie is from Tokyo: we know what fresh fish looks like.


Bullhead, horned pout... an invasive American species in Europe. Eat 'em!
It doesn't look like this. This was one food festival where I went home hungry. If you want to try Hungarian fish dishes, there are great restaurants that specialize in fish: try the Aranyhal in Zuglo or the Horgasztanya in Buda. If you are ever in the Hungarian countryside, say in Szeged or Paks do not miss a bowl of the fish soup – even declared enemies of the carp such as myself surrender to the paprika camouflage. But in Hungary if fish and tourists show up in the same space… wait until you can order a veal schnitzel. If it is a beef goulash or pork stew on offer, by all means - the ones  at festivals are great. Those are something that any Hungarian with the least experience in the kitchen can shine at. But stay away from the fish. For the love of God, stay away from the fish. 


And thus I again successfully manage to post something that does not reflect on the horrific levels of corruption, incompetence, and cynicism that permeated Hungarian politics this week!

Saturday, March 21, 2015

The Whiskey Rabbi Returns to the Ghetto!

A Budapest friend of mine stopped me in the street recently and asked me if I still wrote about music on my blog. "Whenever I look at it these days, it seems to be something about food." The truth is, there is still a lot of music going on around here, and being a musician, I often find myself in the middle of it. Writing about music is something I used to do for money. (Actually, so was writing about food.) But if you keep up on what has been happening in Hungary for the last few years it might seem odd that somebody would avoid commenting on the social and political upheavals that command almost every conversation here and focus, instead, on cream filled dainty pastries and pork chop marination.

Delicious, and uncontroversial!
Actually, this blog began in 2006 while we were working in Istanbul, fascinated by the magic things Turks can do with ground meat. Hungary only became a blog topic the night a mob of beer-addled right-wingers attacked the Hungarian TV station, driving the terrified police away and sacking the building. I spent my last evening in Istanbul in a teahouse with some Kurdish friends watching the news on TV while they worried about us returning home to a Budapest in flames. In the nine years since the political situation hasn't much improved.

"Don't cheat! Don't steal! Don't lie! Because the Government doesn't like competition."
Let's just say pork chops and cheese pastries are a far safer topic for online publication about Hungary these days and leave it at that. Life is complicated. So if I am not going to stand up and sing about the Wretched Human Condition in a language anybody can understand (my specialty is singing in a language very few can understand) I can at least let those who do save on hotel bills by sleeping on my sofa. And thus Canadian singer-songwriter-Whiskey Rabbi Geoff Berner spent a few days off from his European tour schedule wandering the Budapest Ghetto. Geoff has never been a stranger on these pages. He's been shaking things up in the Canadian indie music world with provocative songs based on Jewish themes and elements of Klezmer music, most recently with his CD produced by Josh Dolgin Victory Party.

A mere 12 bucks on Amazon kindle!
Geoff did a reading from his first novel Festival Man at the Massolit bookstore - conveniently located just down the street from us in the Seventh District. Festival Man was required reading on the Brothers Nazaroff tour bus last summer, and although it is about the Canadian festival circuit, it rings true to anybody who ever hoarded artists backstage beer tickets at a large summer festival. Geoff also did a gig at the Aurora, a club - cultural center - speakeasy in the eighth district that is run by the folks who used to operate the late, great Siraly Club on Kiraly utca, a cafe and night spot that managed to encompass a cafe, a Jewish library, two not entirely licensed bars, and a theater in a squatted bit of downtown real estate, eventually shut down by none other than our ridiculous pomposity of a Mayor for allowing students to organize demonstrations in their basement. They finally found a space in the funky eighth district to carry on their mix of politics, avant-semitic culture and truly unbearable late night DJ remix parties. But this matters little to me. Berner was the man who introduced me to the Montreal Deli Chez Schwatz's, home of the best smoked meat sandwich in Canada. Now it was time for payback. We took Geoff to Kadar's Etkezde. We have often discussed Kadar's on this blog - Google even shows a photo of my parents eating there if you check them for images. Simply, it is probably the best Hungarian food available in Budapest.

A lucky goddamned Jew.
It will never win a Michelin star, it is only open for lunch, they usually run out of their specials halfway through the daily service, and it has been creeping its prices up to near restaurant levels (it is an etkezde, a tiny  "lunch place" and like all etkezde, used to be dirt cheap.) But Kadar's is better than all other tiny lunch joints, and most restaurants as well. Kadar started out as the hobby restaurant of a hotel chef, whose wife made classic Jewish solet - the Hungarian version of the Yiddish Sabbath meal cholent. I will go out on a limb and say that Kadar's solet is possibly the best Jewish bean stew available in a commercial form on the planet Earth (I can't speak for extraterrestrial Jewish bean stews served on other planets, like Meta-Plonsk and Planet Goldstein-12.) Usually it is only available on Friday and sells out by 1pm, but there was a layover batch when we arrived on Monday and so we got the ideal three day old cuvee version, which is considered vastly superior, a creamy moist blend of beans and barley mixed with paprika and onions.


That is a roasted goose leg sitting atop the beans up there... the Hungarian Jewish all purpose stand in for pork. Solet is one dish that crossed over from Jewish cooking into Hungarian cusine, although most Hungarians know solet as something eaten with smoked pork, which is also delicious, but as you may well have guessed, it is as unkosher as it comes. Kadar isn't kosher, the orthodox in the nabe avoid it, but it used to serve comfort food to the old Jewish communist functionaries who maintained a home in the old Ghetto district, and eventually became a magnet lunch joint for actors and theater directors. Another standard here is the beet salad - seen in the photo above - topped with home made grated horseradish which will blow the back of your head off.

Goose on rice. This lives about two minutes away from where I am now typing this.
Goose also appeared on the specials list as "Goose risotto" but it was basically old fashioned goose meat pilaf made from carcass meat - simmered into a broth for cooking the rice and the meaty wings and bony backs then roasted. and set on top. This is my idea of a light meal. Goose fat is what the Jewish world in Hungary used to cook with - Hungarians use pig lard as a basic shortening, even today. huge flocks of geese were once a common scene in many Hungarian villages, mostly used for their fat and livers, while the meat was considered a cheap by product fit for making into soup stock. Duck was a more widely used meat in Austro-Hungarian cooking. Duck isn't as universal on Hungarian menus as it is in the Czech Republic or Austria, but Kadar usually has something ducklike on the menu - keep an eye out for Breaded Fried Duck Liver with mashed potato, a deceptively simple dish I have given up trying to recreate at home.

Just like Mama used to make, if you were born to my Mama.
On our second trip to Kadar in as many days Geoff went for the duck leg with cabbage and noodles. This stuff is what I was raised on, pure Bronx Hungarian soul food. When we were kids in the Bronx my family lived in an Italian neighborhood - the East Tremont area just short of Throggs Neck. P.S. 71 was my Alma Mater. My fathers best friend was Sicilian, the neighbors were Abruzzese, and most of the street were from Naples. The Bronx families we grew up among were constantly eating, ignoring meal times and digging into vats of Italian-american food that were forever cooking on the basement stoves (nobody ever lived in the upstairs rooms. Ever.) We kids gorged on pasta, lasgana, flat breads, and anchovies, but when the Caiolas came to our house the Patrone would always request duck. Nobody makes duck like my Mom. A reasonable facsimile is what they serve at Kadar's. We don't eat at Kadar's all that often, but when guests - even from Vancouver - are in town it is always on the list.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Ptuj: Kurent Events

Winter is a time when everybody can use cheering up. Hungary has had a relatively easy winter this year, compared to the sci-fi frozen hell North America has been enduring. Everyone would surely be grateful for an invasion of horned demons coming to scare winter away. Here in the Balkan regions (I know, Hungarians hate referring to where they live by anything but "Central Europe... but its a culture spectrum and we gonna get Balkan now) there is an old tradition of winter Carnival figures masked in shaggy sheepskin costumes and wearing huge cowbell belts dancing through the streets around Mardi Gras time.

Hey Pocky Way! Spy Boy comin' from way uptown!
From as far south as Greece, where they appear as babouyeri,and up through Bulgaria where they are callled Kukeri and across the Balkans as far as Slovenia, these masked figures are actually vague memorials to the Dionysus cult which have adapted themselves to making appearances on the Christian calendar. You remember Dionysus? The ultimate frat boy of the Greek pantheon? Hung out with Pan a lot. Greek texts about Dionysus are one long Classical Greek ode to dicks and ummm... shagging. Sure, you can convert an entire civilization to Byzantine Orthodoxy or even Roman Catholicism, but an Orphic ritual  sausage party cult filled with wine and dick jokes never gets old. Might as well incorporate it into the official celebration before it gets out of hand and becomes the year round religion instead.


 Just as we have Mardi Gras to celebrate one big last blow out before the forty day period of lent so do the closet Dionysians of the Balkans have their Kukeri traditions. In Hungary we have the Busójárás in the town of Mohacs, a city on the Danube with a big minority population of Sokac, who are Catholic Slavs not quite Croat nor quite Serb. Their version of the Balkan Goat Devil Dance has since been re-interpreted into some kind of dimly fabricated and non historic fairy tale during which the busó masked dancers scared the invading Turks off. (Historical note: The Turks, in fact, won at Mohacs and ruled Hungary for 160 years.) It has become rather commercialized these days, but then, what Carnival isn't? The Slovenian variety are called kurent, and the festival and parade is the kurentovanje. There are two main varieties: horned kurent and feathered kurent. Never a lack of choice in Slovenia!

Birdman wins the Oscars!
So what do a non-skiing Jew and a Buddhist do when winter fever gets too heavy to bear and a vacation is in order? Head out to carnival in... Slovenia! Why Slovenia? Well, for one there is the town of Ptuj. One can visit Ptuj simply because of the name of the town. How many towns are there named for onomatopoetic sounds involving mucus?

Maybe next year we will visit Slurp!
Ptuj is, however, a jewel: the oldest town in Slovenia, with streets laid out and intact since Roman times, set in a hilly wine growing region, with castles and ancient churches and museums a plenty with great cheap accommodation and good food - which kind of describes about 70% of Slovenia's small towns. Ptuj is famous for its carnival, Pust, which draws crowds from all across Slovenia. I had seen photos of the masked dancers - who are classics of the Balkan Goat God syndrome - and suggested we check it out. Six hours on train, not pricey, and bizarrely friendly people everywhere. It did the job: winter blues gone.

What are you clowns doing here?
Carnival is not for the stuck up among us. In Hungary it has devolved into a party day for children to wear costumes, but in many Catholic countries like Slovenia it is hard core silly season, time to drink, act like clowns, literal clowns, and eat all that greasy roast pork that you are going to be abstaining from during lent. And what could be a better than an international festival parade of carnival masks! First we got the locals: whip snapping "ploughmen" who scare off the evil spirits of winter with cracking whips. And yes, they were skipping through the streets to Alpine accordion oom-pah music.

Skip to my Lou... with whips.
Few musical genres are as hard for me to bear as Alpine music. Living in a country next door to Austria has made me sensitive to this most cringe-worthy of repertoires. I play diatonic button accordion, and although invented by Germans in the 19th century, the squeezebox traveled the world over becoming the paleo-synthesizer of the poor and technologically needy, producing dynamic and funky modal traditions of music like Zydeco, Madagascar spirit possesion music, Slovak mountain music and Irish reels. Alpine music, however, are those variety shows you see on Austrian and Bavarian TV in which geriatric people swig beer steins seated at benches, swaying while a series of singers clad in dirndl and lederhosen warble through a slick, geeky song and dance routine based on the worst Heidi of the Alps stereotypes imaginable. As if that's not bad enough, watching one of these shows on a TV in an Austrian motel for more than an hour will reveal a fetish with novelty singers: Africans dressed in lederhosen yodeling, underage teenage twins playing accordions on inline skates, and the soundtrack to the obscure but widespread genre of Alpine softcore porn. Singing raccoons and thalidomide babies can not be far behind. You know that video with the goofy guy wearing a suit outfited with bicycle horns beeping away as he dances to an oom-pah band? Yes.. Konis Hupen - with almost 3 million YouTube views - is a classic of the genre. (Warning: if you click on that link be sure to have something to protect your eyes. They will burn.)

Where is your God now, human?
So forgive me God, I had to face my fears and look the demon of Alpine accordion music in the face and scream "Do your worst! You can't hurt me!" Understand: Slovenia is an incredibly diverse country with about six separate climate zones, about four distinct cuisines, and about 50 dialects of the Slovenian language, There is some really good, funky Slovene music, especially among the Slovenes living just across the border in the Resia Valley of Italy, played on fiddle for Carnival, one of the most stubbornly traditional fiddle traditions left in Europe, great stuff - I have been there and even got drafted into playing a dance when the local fiddler passed out drunk (you get free food if you play music, too!)


But you can't get to Resia without a car and we were in Ptuj. Which is the heart, soul, endocrine system and gallbladder of Slovenian Alpine accordion music. And Slovenia is the heart of the Alpine accordion world - the home of Slavko Arsenik, the Paganini of Oom-Pah. In the USA there is the Slovenian style of polka music, which still depends in large part on playing these technically limiting diatonic button accordions. Of course, Slovenes have also played on piano accodions - both the legendary FrankieYankovich and the oddly unrelated but similarly named Slovenian American Weird Al Yankovich are prime examples.

Their melodies shall haunt my nightmares forever.
And the kids playing them - kids, still wearing braces on their teeth - were in the Hendrix range of control on their instruments, masters of some of the most annoying melodic phrases in the history of popular music. And by late afternoon, as the parade had ended and all the kurrent masqueraders were busy tying one on at the main market square festivities, they would pogo dance to this music, creating a wild cacaphony that drowned out everything else while they shook and jumped and just made noise, glorious noise, noise to scare the winter away. In the tent were the two main attractions of a Ptuj carnival: beer and donuts.

A Slovenian Homer Simpson Happy Meal.
Lots of donuts. On every corner... crates and crates of donuts. When we went out to lunch the next day before returning to Budapest, we went to a local restaurant to see a room full of old people at 11:30 AM drinking wine and eating donuts. Our waitress - helpful and friendly as all Slovenian waitresses were - pointed out the daily special - donuts! - and explained that the donuts there were house made and very special. We passed. there is only so much Goat God and donuts one person can deal with in a weekend.  Oh.. and this helped.


Saturday, January 24, 2015

The Patriotism of Pastrami: Hobby's Deli, Newark, NJ.

Around about this time of year - during the short grey days of a Central European winter - I become consumed by a burning need. I need a pastrami sandwich. I need it now. And I can't have one.  There are none here. They live only in the Western hemisphere, and yet I can smell one, I can almost feel the texture of fatty squishy spiced meat on my palate, the salty savor of half-sour pickles, the satisfying swig of the second can of root beer. I can not have that here in Budapest. Not at all. Never.

The best thing in the entire world. Really. No exaggeration. This is why we live on earth.

Of course there are those who would debate me. Budapest boasts its own micro-media of foodie porn, and there are at least four places in Budapest now offering something they label pastrami. But having watched the video  of a guy checking out some Budapest pastrami sandwiches I can't bear to even experiment. (Imagine a homesick Hungarian wandering the streets of Manhattan lured by a sign announcing "Gulyás leves" only to find some kind of thin red broth with vanilla foam and a single olive mockingly served in a large Chinese soup spoon. You get the picture.) Previous Budapest food fads have included a burger craze: there are at least six new burger restaurants in my area of Budapest alone. If I want a cardboard meatball on a sweet brioche bun with a chef's salad piled on top and squirted with German BBQ ketchup I will know just where to go. Alas, White Manna is thousands of miles away, as is most of  the hallowed ground of New Jersey. If I want a burger I wait until I get back to the USA - specifically, New Jersey. The other is pastrami and corned beef. I have written about most of the New York's Jewish delis and their steamed, smoked and sliced versions of heaven on rye bread.

Al Gore and Russian PM Viktor Chernomyrdin at Katz's, 1996. (Photo: NY Daily News)

Katz's Deli - which has recently jacked its sandwich price to $19.95 for a pastrami on rye - has been featured many times. And let's face it: Yes, I will still go to Katz's and fork over a twenty for their sandwich simply because it is the best and it supports an cultural institution that is otherwise economically impossible to maintain in downtown Manhattan. In truth, I have started to look beyond Manhattan and back to my native Bronx in search of affordable deli sandwiches. The annual report - covering New York, Montreal, and Toronto delis - was published here a few months ago. We also made a special ancestral trip to Loesser's deli in the Bronx just to be completist, and we were glad we did. It is half the price of a Manhattan pastrami sandwich, and you get free refills on your freshly made cole slaw. But looking back over some of my files, I realized I had left out one very special NY area deli: Hobby's Deli in Newark New Jersey.

In New Jersey, everybody is a patriot. Everybody.
Hobby's is located smack in the downtown heart of Newark - a boarded up and depressed ghetto neighborhood near the Essex County Courthouse. But like a lot of America's old style delis, Hobby's survives because its lunch clients are a mix of courthouse lawyers and local workers in the predominantly black downtown Newark area. Before the 1960s, Jewish delis were often among the only restaurants in downtown areas that were willing to serve Black customers. Today many of the best delis in cities like Chicago, Baltimore, and Philadelphia are located in downtown ghettos. Corned beef and pastrami were made from cheap, tough belly cuts of beef that sold for pennies. In the globalized world, however, that beef gets shipped to China, and the price has risen like a rocket.

Deli etiquette: there can be no mystery to your lunch.
Delis used to be considered cheap places to eat: you could fill your belly for a couple of bucks. When I was in high school even I could afford lunch at delis - which is something since I went to High School in the late 14th century. If you had to eat lunch outside of school you could afford pizza, a cheapo burger, or a deli sandwich. Jersey used to have a lot of decent delis. Teaneck had an excellent deli in Tabatchnik's on Cedar Lane. Tabatchnik's is now called "Noah's Ark" and has been reborn as an Israeli kosher place serving the modern Orthodox congregations - people whose main culinary concern is limited to "which rabbi declared the food kosher?" Overnight the identity of "Jewish" food switched from Ashkenazic Jewish to Israeli Kosher, from food to fuel. The corned beef sandwich and kugel gave way to the falafel and chicken shnitzel, and the knish was re-purposed into a healthful vegetarian option. Knishes are not supposed to be healthy. Deli food is not supposed to be healthy. If I wanted healthy I would not be seated in a deli, popping sodium-packed pickles at a doctor-defying clip while balancing a salted cut of fatty beef in my other hand. The loss of Tabachnik's served as a emblematic lesson in the decline of Jewish delis in America in David Saxe's outstanding book about the deli tradition "Save the Deli."

All gloriously yours: your blood pressure will thank you!
The pastrami at Hobby's... it is a many splendored thing... who knew that something so good was hiding in Newark, New Jersey? Like almost all of the great NY delis, Hobby's cures its own pastrami and corned beef in their basement, meaning that the fermentation is triggered by bacteria that are essential to the final product. Like a fine French cheese or an Italian salami, a pastrami tastes of its own specific place, its terroir - in this case, the terroir of downtown Newark, New Jersey. You can search for flavor hints of the Newark Airport, the Jersey Turnpike, Raritan Bay, the Meadowlands and the enigmatic Kill Van Kull. Hobby's should get an award for most militantly locavore artisanal  product in the New York area.

"My love is a fever, longing still, for that which longer doth nurseth the pastrami..." Shakespeare, Sonnet 147
The sandwich is a thing of layered beauty. Hobby's uses a mechanical slicer: this is not actually bad in and of itself, and it helps keep prices down by eliminating waste. Hand sliced meat - such as is served at Katz's and Schwartz's in Montreal - wastes a lot of meat. There ends up only being about five sandwiches in a whole brisket. Hand sliced means thicker slices which cool down slower. And that is the thing with pastrami and corned beef: it is served steaming hot, but as it cools down it transforms into something dryer, denser, less appealing. It is the only food that deteriorates in quality as you eat it. Nobody ever wants to take leftover pastrami home, and it doesn't reheat well. The mustard seen above is my finishing touch: with that much meat you need a good deli mustard. The rye bread is really just a way of holding the thing together.

We were once a mighty civilization, and now we are this.
Nobody really takes side dishes seriously at a deli, But I had heard that Hobby's makes old style onion rings. Nobody does that anymore, because most onions are agro-farmed and that means they have too much fertilizer induced moisture in them to fry well. Most places serve pre-made onion rings made from a slurry of onion-like alien intelligent beings who were captured during intergalactic warfare billions of years ago, their planet destroyed, and they were shipped to be processed on a desert planet owned by Walmart. Not Hobby's. Real onion rings. Of course they go soggy after five minutes. You don't savor onion rings. You eat them. Fast. Now, in order to get to Hobby's you need to get to downtown Newark. Newark's Grand Central train station is about three blocks away, and despite its bad reputation, nobody will harass you walking through the downtown of Newark, especially during the day. That's because Hobby's also closes at around 4 pm every day. It is a lunch deli, not a full service restaurant. If you go to eat  in Newark at night you ought to be in the Ironbound neighborhood, anyway, eating Portuguese seafood or Brazilian hamburguesas.  But I had to convince my little brother, Ron, to brave the traffic and drive down with me. Because I don't drive. That's right, I spend time in New Jersey and I do not drive cars, I do not have a driver's license. I have a network of "Spanish buses" (also known as "guaguas")  and a little brother. It somehow works out.

He used to be such a cute baby.
Ron is a chef, and when it comes to straight forward New Jersey food, you can not fool him. He knows the real thing (as long as we are not discussing barbecue, I mean.)  And Hobby's is the real thing. And he was impressed by the patriotic interior design at Hobby's. New Jersey likes to wear its patriotism on its shirt... right next to the mustard stain and that spilled coffee. You can't escape it. Giant flags are painted in parking lots, 9/11 memorials everywhere, even murals celebrating historic victories from Bull Run to Bastogne, from Hue to Panama City. Jersey loves its vets. And so does Ron. My brother wasn't in the army. He was born into an unexpected era of peace and had already picked up the chef's trade when his nation might have used him to dice enemies into a tasty mince. I know he would have loved to have joined the Army (if only they didn't have all those hangups about discipline and taking orders.) If he had, however, he would likely as not wound up as a bit of beef jerky fluttering on a fence next to some empty combat boots in Kuwait. so I am actually glad that he missed those opportunities. As a Jersey Patriot, Ron stands by Operation Salami Drop, an effort by hobby's owner Samuel Brummer - a WWII vet himself - which sent thousands of salamis to American soldiers fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. We are not to be toyed with. When you bite into pastrami, you bite into America.

You can have my pastrami when you can pry it from my cold, stiff fingers!

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Rocksteady Attila: The Pig that Took Budapest by Storm.

We rarely use this blog to discuss the local Hungarian news. Other web sites do that so much better, and the last few months of Hungarian news has been crammed with tales of corruption, political intrigue, of rivalries between Our Great Infallible Leader and his former allies and room mates and his Swiss bank accounts and his new BFF Vlad Putin. We have had a series of demonstrations in support of a democratic Hungary led by people who can't wrap their heads around the notion of organizing a democratic opposition to participate in political change. On a more spiritual level, our Jewish community just fired the recently appointed community president, a former Catholic chorister, Evangelical deacon, and transsexual cabaret performer who was caught embezzling funds. It gets downright depressing at times. As Fela Kuti used to say "Oh my people... Oh my poor poor people." Then suddenly a news item pops up that puts everything else in perspective, something that overshadows the corruption charges and the political rivalries and the new taxes and the trannie Catholic Jewish community presidents and all the other random BS that fill the Hungarian 24 hour news cycle.

Rocksteady Attila running down Rakoczi ut.
Budapest is being taken over by wild pigs. Yes, wild boars roam the streets of the Hungarian capital at night, blithely running down the boulevards and sauntering past the fast food joints and the trolley stops. It is almost biblical in its apocalyptic sense of timing. And lo! The swine shall be seen in the streets of your city, Yea, even next to the McDonald's and that new store, ye know, the one where they verily sell the newest Gucci... If you don't live in Hungary you are really missing out on fun news. We have all the scandal and outrage of any small European nation... plus... wild pigs!

So sweet. So fat. So tasty. So crawling with parasites!
There actually are wild boars which live within the confines of the city of Budapest: out in the hills of Buda there are special parks and reserved areas set aside just for the animals. Obnoxious upper class twits - you know the type, dressed in green wool and wearing Austrian hunters' hats - join clubs to "hunt" these semi tame porkers out in the suburbs, luring them in with baited corn and blasting at them from elevated platforms in what many assholes call "a noble sport." A few of the wiser pigs opt out of the sport and take their chances in more urban contexts, digging under the fences to freedom. But they rarely wander into downtown, and for some reason, there seem to be a lot of them all of a sudden. This was the situation with urban piggery last week. 

Budapest has gone to the pigs.
The guys at snarky news website 444.hu have been tracing the swine explosion and had identified three main offenders and given them names. Pig Zrinyi and Pig Konfuciusz are both in Buda, where they probably arrived by following the green park lands down from the Buda hills and along the Danube to settle into relatively bucolic areas near the Novotel and Technical university. But my favorite is the Pig that Got to Pest, Rocksteady Attila. This fellow probably crossed one of the bridges spanning the Danube and has settled down in the area around the Vamhaz Market and Corvin university. This is one slick porker. But within a couple of days more wild pigs were sighted along both banks of the Danube (and have had names bestowed on them by the editors who love them.) 

The invasion of Pest has begun! 
Now, there isn't really a grave danger to the people of Budapest from any of these pigs - they probably feed on garbage and hide during the day, like so many local pensioners. Unless you are traipsing around the woods dressed like a dickwad in Austrian hunter clothes, attacks by wild boars are pretty rare, especially if they are not guarding any of their extremely cute baby pigs.  Personally, since moving to Hungary I miss seeing large dangerous animals in urban settings. In the USA there are always news stories about bears walking into shopping malls in suburban New Jersey, about Moose - often insane moose driven violently mad by weird fly larva growing in their ears - sauntering into New England mill towns and attempting to have sex with cars. A Rutgers college student was eaten by bears last September in suburban West Milford, New Jersey, about a twenty five minute drive from New York City. I used to have to contend with a large raccoon that used to walk into our house - by opening the back door, of course - and help itself to the cat food bowl when I lived in downtown  Boston, way back in the 20th century. 
Rocksteady Attila on the run!
In fact, considering how much pork the average Hungarian family eats in a year one should think that these wild swine should be running as far away from centers of Hungarian population as possible. Most people in Budapest know wild boar mainly as an item on restaurant menus. Are these innocent wild pigs putting themselves in danger, blindly fleeing into a teeming pit of ravenous humanoids hungry for pig? And when will these poor misplaced swine finally be resettled into an environment more conducive to their rooting, nomadic lifestyles? Only then will our news outlets be able to return to those simple, pigless political stories about the swine who remain.

Humor site Hircsarda interviews Zrnyi the Pig. 

Monday, January 05, 2015

Beans: How a New Years Dish Ruined Europe's Economy.

Eat Me! I will cause wealth to magically flow to you! I will!
It was a good year, 2014, and I'm kind of sad to see it go, but all things come to an end, even arbitrarily measured segments of intangible time. In Hungary, shops close on Xmas eve for three days straight, so if you haven't stocked your pantry you are in trouble. That's why a lot of our local seasonal foods depend on old style smoked meat - stuff you don't have to worry about keeping in the fridge. People forget that there was a time not very long ago - before 1950 - when one didn't keep fresh meat around the house. Milk was delivered daily, potatoes were stored in a cellar, eggs were gathered in the hen house next to the garage. Fridges changed all that. Luckily, nobody told our butcher on Klauzal ter. They still stock a full range of smoked meats, including goose leg.

This is why our food tastes better than yours.
Goose leg used to be the preserved meat of choice for Jewish Hungarians who rejected eating pork. Goose fat was the primary cooking fat for Jewish housewives, and although a rare sight today, huge flocks of white geese used to wander the streets of Hungarian villages waiting for their turn to become gribenes and schmaltz. All over Europe there is a tradition of eating a New Years meal which includes a bean or lentil dish, Italians eat lentils and zampone (a sausage-stuffed pigs leg) or cotechino sausages. The lentils look like little coins, and so if you eat it on the first day of the year you will cause you to make a lot of money. I have news for you Europeans: it won't. People in the Deep South in the USA have been eating black eyed peas with collard greens for hundreds of years on the same basis - it looks like money and so it should augur wealth - and they remain the poorest part of America. Millions of poverty stricken peasants in India eat nothing but lentils their entire lives. No, take it from me, eating lentils won't make you rich. Beans, however...  well, there is a possibility at least. The French, slightly more informed about personal economic growth factors, prefer to use nice big white beans for cassoulet


Economic disaster on a plate: Italian zampone and lentils.
This goes a long way towards explaining how the early European mind envisioned capitalism. Lentils! Of course! Have the Church declare banking a usurious sin and presto! - 1000 years of serfdom leading to Marxism and eventually along come people like Nigel Farrage and Silvio Berlusconi and Viktor Orban.  Well... it might not be sound economic policy but at least it tastes good. Around these parts the New Years dish is usually just plain old lentil soup (served alongside cheap pork hot dogs) but we went for smoked goose leg and beans. On rice, because that's how this house rolls. Fumie gets her Rising Sun nationalist rice fix, and I can close my eyes and imagine myself siting in a Dominican diner on 205th Street.


Beans: Be it ever so humble.
Smoked meat and beans is about as hearty a meal as you can eat. Beans love pork. Pork loves beans. And just about everybody short of my clarinet player and my rabbinical school teaching buddy loves beans with pork as well. I have previously blogged about my favorite eateries in Europe, the Varzaria in Cluj, Romania, which specializes in smoked pork with cabbage and beans, and about the truck stops in Ciucea and Poeini, Romania, on the road between Oradea and Cluj that specialize in huge plates of pork knuckles and beans to tide over the long haul truckers on their way to Bucharest. 


Never eat anything bigger than your head!
Of course, not everybody needs beans all the time. Serbian cuisine is deeply related to Hungarian cooking, but with more Balkan grilling elements and Turkish vegetable dishes. Serbs have even discovered unique ways of eating smoked pork without beans! Serb stuffed cabbage, however, sticks very close to the Hungarian variant, and we got lucky just before new Years when we went to a party at Ellato Kert catered by Nenad Angelic, the Serbian chef at the neighboring Serb bistro 400


Nenad taking steps to reform the world's economic trends.
Nenard - an old friend - is a fanatic when it comes to technique, and he was adamant that Hungarians had forgotten the technique for making proper stuffed cabbage: a huge clay đuveč pot propped up on a wood fire where the stuffed cabbage and smoked pork simmered for six hours. This was the stuffed cabbage at the end of the rainbow, the Stuffed Cabbage Mother of Them All, filled with huge chunks of tender smoked pork, rice, and cabbage. This is one of those foods where you think you could be happy eating one single thing for months on end. Considering that the crowd wasn't all that big, and a lot of them were pork-averse Muslims, the stew pot - about the size of small bath tub - was quickly emptied. 


Stuffed Cabbage Serb style. Forward! 
Of course, if pork avoidance is your issue, you can make all these same dishes with smoked goose and never notice a difference. We Hungarian Jews have been doing that for hundreds of years. That goose leg can be made into meat loaf and served with the Hungarian version of cholent, locally called sólet. Jewish tradition forbids the lighting of fires on sabbath, so a solet pot was buried in coals on friday afternoon and left until lunch on Saturday, providing a hot meal.


Sólet at Kadar's: the key to economic growth!
Why the difference in names? I read in some obscure Yiddish linguistics journal that the the Hungarian Jewish term sólet is possibly the older term. Sephardic Jews call their Sabbath stews hamim. Hungarian sólet are thicker and less soupy that classic Yiddish cholent, and instead of the big brown and purple soup beans used in cholent it uses both smaller white beans and barley cooked together to produce a thick legume-y mortar guaranteed to stave off hunger pangs at least until the next Sabbath arrives. Your best bet for a good one is, of course, to go for lunch early on Friday at the Kadar Etkezde on Klauzal ter. And I mean early: it often sells out by 12:30 pm, and Kadar's only stays open until 3 pm. (And it is "Jewish Style" - not kosher!) Across the park from me. Enjoy, And happy new year!